How to simulate an orgasm (instructions for guys)

A photo bradleypjohnson , via Flickr
The guy trying to imitate an orgasm is simply ridiculous. I mean, there is the most obvious, damn it, indicator of whether the guy has reached the “climax”, and when he does not show up, it's hard not to notice. I only caught a guy in my life trying to imitate an orgasm, and this was probably the darkest sexual experience I have ever had. The guy tried his best to make his friend stand and stand, and I think, in an attempt to impress me or affirm his masculinity, he pretended to have finished during the next love session, after several weeks of fruitless sex. I immediately had suspicions, given that his cock was not standing all the time, and besides, the guy was too dramatically howling.

Since I'm a psychopath who loves crime shows, I started to drip in the trash in search of a used condom after he fell asleep. And as soon as I found it in the dark, I put my finger inside to check if it contained male juices. Nyhera. Although, I do not deny, I was pleased with myself, imagining myself as a quirky, non-afraid-dirty-stained-star in my own sexual police drama: An investigation into the sexual scene. Sexual affair is closed!

I think dudes probably imitate orgasms for several other reasons than women. Women often pretend to have an orgasm to reward the person who is jamming them, or to end unsatisfactory sex. I think that maybe men imitate an orgasm in order to prove something to themselves and the woman with whom they do it. I suppose this is a completely different indicator of how a false orgasm shows women's expected passivity and men's activity (or, to quote John Berger’s criticism, what “men do and what women are”) in society, but you came here today for practices, not psychoanalysts. So if you’re an eternally drunk conqueror who doesn’t have to, or just a dude who can hardly finish the job, here are some tips for faking big-O.

Put on a condom

I know what you say: “Exactly the same shit was in" Friends ". Monica thought Chandler made her a child, but then he was like:“ No, I was pretending. ”But I'm here to tell you, not like the hero of the PG-rated series, that Monica is an idiot. Even the day after unprotected intercourse, sperm dripping from the vagina. Not a single woman will believe that you shot inside her without material evidence. It is too easy to detect. In fact, if there is enough of this thing, you can push disgusting little balls out of yourself if you get a little tense, open a can or defecate . So it will be too incriminating, if you claim that ended in the girl, and there is not a drop of "glue PVA" runs down the leg or rain droplets, when she finally stands up.

Don't be too dramatic

Traditionally, or at least judging from my experience, men do not lie very well. In addition, male perception is often slightly distorted by their male brain, so something that they think they are doing is actually not at all what they are doing. This is about my own experience with a guy who never made a sound during sex except a barely audible sigh, and who began to scream in my face during the climax. Do not do anything excessive if it is contrary to your true nature. Girls basically just sit there and look for reasons to get mad at you or catch you on something, though, so don't make this task even easier for them than it already is.

Or be

In my lifetime, I have been with guys whose faces were so ridiculous during orgasm that I had to concentrate on not laughing when they came to the end of the action. I don’t blame the guys for their faces with an orgasm - I’m sure that my face also looks damn ridiculous - but sex itself is quite a ridiculous activity, if you think about it, so you can use it to your advantage and make a couple of stupid faces. If the girl under you really tries not to laugh so as not to offend you, there is a possibility that she is not going to catch you on fraud. It is necessary to laugh at her!

If you can, turn off the light

Well, like, right away. Make it so dark that you don’t even see your member. Because when you remove the cone, you don’t need her to see it as empty. You also hardly want her to notice the absence of this strange silty post-orgasmic leak. Plus, in the dark, your mind can wander in different kingdoms, and, perhaps, having harmoniously combined its sensitivity and depravity, you can still give a real shot.

Cunnilingus immediately

Like any tricks or optical illusions, you can improve a fake orgasm with one masterful maneuver. Making strange faces and gestures is certainly cool, but when it comes to the end, you definitely won’t want the detective “The Chick You Just Fucked” to notice that there is no sperm in her vessel. If, after your fake orgasm, you immediately begin to do cunnilingus for her, if he is at least a little good, she will surely be strayed from the path and, possibly, will forget that you had sex before, due to the wonderful pussy licking .

Hide a condom

If she is suspicious and even a little crazy (I think I just described almost every person, not to mention the woman who has ever lived on Earth), she is going to look for a condom after sexual intercourse, and you do not need her found him. She will think that you are a fucking freak because you take the condom with you (you feel like a paranoid teenager), but still not as freak as if she knew that you had faked an orgasm.

Make glue

The only thing that seems to me like sperm is glue. If your hand is faster than her eyes, or if you can turn your back and bend over the edge of the bed while taking off your condom, you can stealthily pour a few drops of glue into the gum, throw it into the bin and relax. It's okay: you're just trying to pass off glue as sperm. You are a completely normal person.

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